”…the last thing we like is our own impermanence. Who hasn’t noticed the first gray hair and thought, ‘Uh-oh.’ So a battle rages in human existence. We refuse to see the truth that’s all around us. We don’t really see life at all. Our attention is elsewhere. We are engaged in an unending battle with our fears about ourselves and our existence. If we want to see life we must be attentive to it. But we’re not interested in doing that; we’re only interested in the battle to preserve ourselves forever. And of course it’s an anxious and futile battle, a battle that can’t be won. The one who always wins is death, the ‘right hand man’ of impermanence….
Yet we wage the battle ceaselessly. We are frantically busy. When our personal attempts to win the battle fail, we may try to find peace in a false form of religion. And people who offer that carrot get rich. We are desperate for someone who will tell us, ‘It’s all right. Everything can be wonderful for you.’ Even in Zen practice we try to find a way around what practice really is, so that we can gain a personal victory.
“People often say to me, ‘Why do you make practice so hard? Why don’t you hold out any cookies at all?’ But from the point of view of the small self, practice can only be hard. Practice annihilates the small self, and the small self isn’t interested in that one bit. It can’t be expected to greet this annihilation with joy….
…As our small self dies—our angry, demanding, complaining, maneuvering, manipulative self—a real cookie appears: joy and genuine self-confidence.